Social Guides for the Socially Awkward: Information for Friends of the Anxious
This post was actually suggested to me by the excellent @WonderAli on Twitter. As a sufferer of anxiety, it’s hard to remember that there are people out there who aren’t anxious on a daily basis. There are people out there who have never had a panic attack, never lain awake at night for hours trying to remember if they locked up the office or not, never avoided going to the grocery store at 5pm…
Even typing that out it feels unbelievable. But it’s true. Often those freaks of nature have trouble understanding what it’s like for the rest of us. They struggle to understand why we feel the way we do and what they can do to help.
This post is for them.
First off, most people with anxiety struggle in silence.
The thing I heard most often in the early years of talking to people about my social anxiety was “Everybody is too busy worrying about themselves to worry about you.” Often my general anxieties weren’t met with eye rolls or “stop being so overdramatic.” If people wanted to actually help me feel better, they would say things like “there’s no use worrying about things you can’t control” Or “It’s fine, you’re not going to get fired for forgetting to lock the office once.”
No matter how well meaning you are, your words are not going to help. In fact, saying things like that not only undermines us, it convinces us that we’re actually as dumb as we feel.
From the brilliant Dr. Andrea Letamendi: “My advice for family members is to understand that a lot of times people do not have a “choice” to be anxious and that telling them to just “get over it” or “stop worrying about it” is not generally good advice as it minimizes the problem but also assumes that the person can simply interrupt the worrying on their own with ease.“
Here’s something to always keep in mind when dealing with people who have pronounced anxiety.
We’re not stupid.
Dude, we KNOW there’s no use worrying about things we can’t control. We KNOW that a crowded grocery store is essentially harmless. We KNOW that statistically flying is safer than driving.
ANXIETY IS NOT RATIONAL. You can’t talk us out of it. When you undermine our feelings you unconsciously encourage us to hide our anxiety and keep it from you.
So what can you do?
A) Acknowledge that you feel helpless and that it frustrates you. You care about us. You hate seeing us like this. You want to help, but there’s nothing you can do to fix it. That upsets you and makes you frustrated. Acknowledge those feelings and remind yourself that those feelings are NOT OUR FAULT. We are not to blame for our anxiety, and therefore we are also not to blame for your feelings of helpless frustration.
A lot of times that frustration leaks out at us when you’re trying to help, and it just adds more fuel to the fire. Now we not only have our own burden of anxiety, but we’re worried about you! AND we feel guilty for making you feel bad. And, again, we’re in a position where we feel the need to hide our anxiety.
B) These words are very, very important: “What do you need?”
For me, physical contact helps. Hold my hand, give me a hug…something like that. It lets me know I’m not alone and instantly knocks my anxiety down a couple of notches.
However, a good friend of mine is not a fan of being touched in general, definitely not when he’s feeling anxious. So what works for me wouldn’t necessarily work for him.
Talk to those you care about who are anxious. Ask them what you can do to help them.
There are, however, some things that I believe are universally helpful.
C) DEEP BREATHING. Lordy, lordy but that helps.
Keep in mind, anxiety is not just mental. It is PHYSICAL, too. We have a visceral fight or flight reaction in our bodies. We get flooded with adrenaline, our heart rate increases, we sweat…it’s not pleasant.
We feel like that guy on the left.
Deep breathing lowers our heart rate and begins to alleviate some of those physical symptoms. When I’m anxious or having a panic attack, I’ll often take a deep breath and then blow it out as though I’m blowing into a straw.
If someone you care about is feeling anxious, remind them to take a deep breath. Breathe with them.
D) Distractions.
Make us laugh. Point out something interesting. Tell us a story. Being momentarily distracted can really help. I used to try and do the alphabet backwards in my head to get out of panic attacks. Now I can do the alphabet backwards in my sleep, so it doesn’t really help. But there for a while it was awesome!
In the end, whether you help alleviate our anxiety or not, being there for us with no judgment is a truly wonderful thing.
Finally, I’m going to close with this awesome, awesome graphic. I’ve had it for so long, and seen it so many different places, I can’t remember where it came from. It’s titled Care For Introverts, but I feel like a lot of it is useful for people with anxiety, too.
For more information, Dr. Letamendi recommends the following books:
Handbooks for family members are usually written for the parent of a youth with anxiety (to help them with their therapy homework, to support them, coach them, etc).
However, I usually provide adult patients with this
Thanks for reading. Now, GO FORTH AND COMFORT YOUR LOVED ONES!
Social Guides for the Socially Awkward – Dating Part 2
All right. We talked about the initial introduction in last week’s post. This week, I’d like to talk about the ACTUAL date part.
First, I’d like to reiterate a few things I touched on in the first post
A few tips for socialization.
Active listening is harder than you think. It’s so easy to get caught up in the inner monologue. Pretend those inner voices are that annoying commercial you hate (Old Navy, how I hate you). Tune it out, and focus on the words being spoken to you. Tune them in. It takes thought and concentration to listen to others when you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Focus on it like you’re Clark Kent trying to figure out how his laser eyes work.
Personal space is important. Just imagine everyone has a bubble around them, and try not to pop it. If it’s hard to hear, lean in with your ear to the person so they know you are trying to listen. It’s a universal signal for “TALK LOUDER PLEASE”. Women especially can feel threatened if a strange man stands too close, so try to keep that in mind.
Don’t stare. Of course, you may be working up the nerve to talk to someone and that is totally natural. But try and look in their general direction, and not directly at them while doing so. While you’re in your head trying to encourage yourself to walk up to them and speak, all they see is the creeper staring at them.
When conversing, try and make eye contact. This can be difficult for some, so compromise by looking right between their eyes on their forehead.
Try and keep those things in mind. They are very small things that make a big difference.
OK, for the date itself. I have a few recommendations.
My favorite is the Group Date. It sounds unconventional, but I swear to you group dates are the BEST.
What’s a group date? It’s when you and a couple of friends meet up with that person and a couple of their friends and everyone goes and hangs out somewhere. No pressure! Tons of other people! A group date to a place like an arcade or theme park or museum or something like that is perfect. An activity that everyone can partake in and get to know each other. Not only do you have moral support leading up to it, but everyone can help carry the evening together. If it’s a disaster? You aren’t alone! If it goes well? You and that person can hover in a corner chatting, or go off on your own to look at something or whatever.
Um… I googled “Group of partiers” and this happened. Sorry, not sorry! 
Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/mother-made/3937731381/
Seriously, though. How fun would a group date RPG be!
Source:
http://www.outlandarts.com/TME-huh-rpg.htm
No pressure, moral support, easy out…it’s the ideal way to get to know someone new for an introvert.
However, maybe a group date is not possible. Or, maybe the group date goes great and you get a one-on-one! What do you do then?
In that case, I’ll point you to a piece I wrote for Tech Republic last winter: Places to take an introvert on a date. (http://www.techrepublic.com/blog/geekend/great-places-to-take-an-introvert-on-a-date/)
Great ideas for places that introverts can go where they will feel comfortable, be able to really get to know someone, and have space to gather themselves if they get nervous.
Sometimes, however, the asker has a plan that they don’t clue you in on. Sometimes that works out great, and sometimes not. Either way, the unplanned happens. A few tips for dealing with the inevitable surprises and uncomfortable moments.
1. Deep breaths. It’s a simple thing, but it makes a difference.
2. If you’re prone to being really uncomfortable in certain situations, be honest UP FRONT. Don’t try and pretend you are something you’re not! This person has to date YOU, not the you that you wish you could be. Just say “Hey, I’m not great in big crowds, so maybe we can go somewhere quiet on our date.” Easy peasy. TRUST ME, they will appreciate your being honest up front. And if they don’t, they’re a jerk anyway. If someone isn’t willing to work around your feelings and anxieties, they were never going to be right for you. It’s better to know that at the start.
3. Take time if you need it. Step away to the bathroom and sit in a stall for a few minutes if you need to. It sounds silly, but sometimes a bathroom stall is the only place you can get away from people and have four walls around you.
Myrtle knows all about it. It’s not pathetic, it’s taking time for yourself. Pop in your earphones, play a little music, and head to your happy place for a few minutes.
Source:
http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/artists/245638452?view_mode=2
4. If it gets bad – be honest. Apologize for not being up front about your feelings before the date, and then explain what you need. If the person is caring at all, they will want to help you feel better, BUT most people who don’t suffer from our anxieties have a lot of trouble understanding it. Get out of the situation quickly, and explain when you have more time. Be specific about your needs. Once you are out of the situation and no longer freaking out, it will be easier to explain yourself. Keep in mind, this conversation is always easier before the date has been planned, so try and go for #2 if you can.
No matter what happens, you deserve congratulations. Dating is HARD. Don’t let anyone tell you different. But getting out there, making an effort, will be so worth it in the long run. If nothing else, you’ll conquer your own fears and get out into the world meeting people. You never know where that will take you.
Try and look at it as a challenging adventure. I sincerely hope that these tools will help you to experience it as something fun, rather than something to be endured.
Thanks so much for reading. Comment below with any questions or comments you may have. Let’s all help each other!
Next week I’ll cover Networking!
Social Guides for the Socially Awkward Part 2: Dating – First Things First
I know I was going to post about Networking this week, but I got to thinking about dating as an introvert with anxiety, started to freak out at the thought of it, then decided to write about that instead. In more than one post, because it’s a HUGE topic.
Dating: Say it with me friends…
It’s.
The.
WORST.
I start having panic feelings just thinking about saying HI to a stranger, not to mention actually setting a date, worrying about said date until it happens, feeling nauseated all day, going on said date, freaking out about whether or not the conversation is flowing well enough, does my laugh sound too obnoxious, I feel a booger in my nose, is it showing? Should I go to the ladies room and blow my nose? Oh god, what did he just say?
Nope, nope, nope, nope. I’d rather sit in the back corner of the coffee shop with my headphones on and my face buried in my laptop while tweeting with the hashtag #ForeverAlone than deal with that kind of nightmare. Seriously.
However. I am sure we are all aware that we are not an island and that a functioning relationship can be a wonderful, life enhancing experience. We should all make an effort, if we do want someone in our lives. So…. Here we go…with dating.
Telling socially awkward people to relax is useless advice. Hopefully mine is better
First Things First:
Here’s the thing. Those of us with social anxiety have such a hard time doing things that are so easy for others that we can sometimes put more weight into things than other people do. Walking up to that person, the barista you see every day, the fellow dog owner you nod at from across the park…it’s a huge deal for us. A HUGE DEAL. We think about it. We plan it out. We rehearse what we’re going to say. Because of that, we can take what we perceive as rejection very, very hard. All that work, just for them to blow us off. That kind of let down can put us right back in that #ForeverAlone hashtag for who knows how long.
First off, you can’t take it personally when you try and talk to someone and they don’t react the way you’d hoped. Does it suck? Yes. Is it because you are hideous/repulsive/worthless/stupid? Probably not. A million and one factors go into every single interaction with another person and most of them are beyond your control.
When a person you are trying to talk to for the first time acts curt or disinterested or in any other way disappointing to you, remind yourself of all the times you’ve reacted that way to someone else. Why did you do it? Were you stressed about an exam? Did you not sleep the night well the night before? Were you pissed off at the person you spoke to RIGHT BEFORE and take it out on someone else?
These things happen all the time.
The second thing you need to do before trying to jump into the dating pond is to change the way you perceive the initial interaction itself.
Every time you go to ask someone out, don’t think of it as the first step to getting a date. Try and think of it like leveling up.
I’m being totally serious. You’re not asking someone out…you’re pushing yourself. You’re going for that extra rep at the gym, you’re climbing three feet higher than you did last week, you’re walking into Bowser’s Castle.
It’s practice. It’s getting comfortable talking to strangers. Is it going to be hard? Yes. But by accepting that this isn’t about finding a date, but simply about having a nice conversation with someone, you are no longer holding that person you are asking up on a pedestal. When it takes us three days to three weeks to get up the nerve to say hi to someone cute, the eventual interaction grows and grows in importance in our mind and starts to become vitally important.
That’s too much for any human to live up to.
Here is a Universal Fact about Socializing. That person you are talking to poops. They eat asparagus and get stinky pee. I don’t care how hot they are, how smart they are, how intimidated you are… they fart in bed. And if they are any fun at all, they have Dutch Ovened a significant other at some point in their lives.
Please do not allow rejection to demoralize you and make you feel like you will be alone forever.
So go talk to someone cute. Just say hi. Think up an ice breaker, practice it if you want to, and give it a shot.
My tips:
A) Smile.
B) Try to stay outside of their personal space bubble.
C) Keep your opening lines short. “Hi, I’m so and so. I see you here all the time and just wanted to introduce myself.” Boom. Done. Non-threatening.
D) Maybe this is the first time you’ve seen them. Same thing, but ask a question. “My friend’s wife would love that shirt. Where did you get it?” “This is my first time at this comic shop, do you know if they have blah blah?”
Keep it simple to start with. Open a conversation. It’s possible the person you dreamed of from afar is actually dumb as a box of rocks. If you lead with asking them on a date before you talk to them, then you could end up stuck on a date with an imbecile. Plus, a conversation gives THEM a chance to get to know YOU and discover that they would like to get to know you better…perhaps on a date.
Things may not go well, or as planned, but at least you did it! You won’t always wonder what would have happened if you had talked to them. Not only that, but with every small introduction and conversation, you’ll LEARN something and apply it the NEXT time you talk to someone cute.
Eventually, one of them is going to like you. They may even say yes to a date. And THEN what are you going to do?
I’ll talk about that next week. Thanks for reading! Please comment with any questions or thoughts of your own. Let’s all help each other.
Social Guides for the Socially Awkward Part I: Making New Friends
I’ve been rolling over and over in my brain how best to continue the conversation on social anxiety. What I finally came around to (after much deliberation, convincing myself I had something to say, convincing myself it was ok to say what I had to say, talking myself out of it, deliberating, and then deciding again), I have now settled on a ONE TWO PUNCH.
This week I’ll be premiering my Vlog series: Anxiety and Public Speaking. In tandem with that, I’m starting this blog series Social Guides for the Socially Awkward.
I’m taking everything I’ve taught myself over decades of shyness, introversion, general, and social anxiety and packaging it up in what I hope will be a useful medium to help others who suffer as I do.
My Golden Rule of Social Anxiety: FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT.
Part I: Making new friends
Step one in any challenging journey is always the hardest. When seeking to accomplish any goal, even one as seemingly simple as going to a party, I find breaking the goal up into small steps helps keep me from feeling overwhelmed.
So, you want to get out of the house and meet like-minded individuals? The first step is to find where those individuals meet. Love reading? Book club! Love being active? Rock climbing gym! Meetup.org has tons of groups for every interest in the world in most areas. This is the best place to start. Check them out online. If they have a website, they also have announcements for events. I, being a geek, would check out a local comic shop. Most comic shops have round table discussions, game nights, book clubs, or even special release events. If they don’t have any events listed online, give them a call. They should be able to give you a heads up on some fun events involving geeks in your area.
Event Prep
PLEASE, do not talk yourself out of proper preparation because it feels silly. DO NOT allow the following phrases to make you feel bad about being nervous: “It’s just a party, relax.” “People do this stuff all the time, quit being overdramatic.”
A lot of people are uncomfortable in certain social situations. Like this guy.
You are not being overdramatic. Your feelings of nervous apprehension are completely valid. The most important part of event prep is to take a deep breath and allow yourself to feel however you feel.
Check out the venue. Drive up, scope out the parking. If it’s an open venue, ie a comic shop, go in and look around. The less you have to worry about the day of, the easier things will be for you. Is there good parking? If not, where is the best place to park? What is the layout? Is the event in a special back room or upstairs? Is there a good hovering spot to gather yourself? Answering these kinds of questions will help you look and feel less unsure on the day of the event.
The final aspect of event prep is an outfit. Even if you’re a dude, this is important. Pick out something that makes you feel your most attractive and confident. For me, it’s a funny t-shirt, jeans, and boots. For one of my guy friends, it’s a geek tee, suit jacket, and jeans. Another friend of mine loves to wear dresses and skirts with geek jewelry. Whatever works for you. Make sure it is clean and mostly unwrinkled by the time the event rolls around.
Event Day
I am never able to avoid thinking about the event the day of. Rather than go over all the things that could go wrong, I practice ice breakers in my head. If the event involves a certain subject, I do a little research/refresher into the subject so that I can contribute to conversations. I also prepare questions. People love questions! Questions are also great because they put the onus on others to say stuff. Examples: “What’s your favorite blah blah?” “When did you first start reading whosie whatsit?” “I love that shirt, where did you get it?” Anything like that is a great ice breaker. Keep a handful in your brain’s back pocket.
It’s ok if this happens to you. Take deep breaths, and try active listening.
Source: http://xkcd.com/1089/
Active listening is harder than you think. It’s so easy to get caught up in the inner monologue. Pretend those inner voices are that annoying commercial you hate (Old Navy, how I hate you). Tune it out, and focus on the words being spoken to you. Tune them in. It takes thought and concentration to listen to others when you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Focus on it like you’re Clark Kent trying to figure out how his laser eyes work.
A few tips for socialization. Personal space is important. Just imagine everyone has a bubble around them, and try not to pop it. If it’s hard to hear, lean in with your ear to the person so they know you are trying to listen. It’s a universal signal for “TALK LOUDER PLEASE”. Women especially can feel threatened if a strange man stands too close, so try to keep that in mind.
Don’t stare. Of course, you may be working up the nerve to talk to someone and that is totally natural. But try and look in their general direction, and not directly at them while doing so. While you’re in your head trying to encourage yourself to walk up to them and speak, all they see is the creeper staring at them.
When conversing, try and make eye contact. This can be difficult for some, so compromise by looking right between their eyes on their forehead.
Walking in
The next, and possibly biggest step, is actually walking into the event. You’ve practiced the drive. You’ve found parking ahead of time. Now you’re in the car, and it’s time to go in. Play a song that either relaxes you or pumps you up. Sit in the car and visualize success. Take deep breaths. I have sat in my car for up to 20 minutes before. Do what you need to do, but make sure you don’t stay so long you talk yourself out of it. Few things feel worse than getting all dressed up, parking at an event, and then driving away 20 minutes later without even getting out of the car. I can say that, because I’ve done it many times. Pick a song or two to get you ready and by the time they are over, get out of that car and into the venue!
When you are ready to walk in pay attention to your posture. Try not to fidget. Give the impression of confidence. Even if on the inside you want to run and hide, on the outside walk into that room as if you own it and it will show. Shoulders back, eyes forward, slight smile on your face. If you need a moment to calm yourself before entering the crowd, do so. Look at photos on the wall, or stop for a drink at the bar.
Remember your prep. Your ice breakers. Personal space, eye contact.
And remember the most important thing:
You’ve specifically chosen an event full of people with like-minded interests. It is the friendliest crowd you could find.
Also, Rome was not built in a day. Take your time. Make it a goal to talk to just one person this time. Next time, try two people. Don’t expect to walk away from the first event with your social problems solved. Take it easy, and be kind to yourself. Living with shyness and social anxiety is not easy. Any time you are able to find the courage to step out of your comfort zone is a huge win. Allow yourself to feel it as such. And keep on trying!
Next time in the Social Guides for the Socially Awkward: Networking!